Ep018 & Ep019: Dr. Schneeberg -- How to become your children's sleep coach?

 
deepintosleep.co

Dr. Lynelle Schneeberg

with Dr. Yishan Xu

 

TODAY’S GUEST

Dr. Lynelle Schneeberg is a pediatric sleep psychologist, an assistant professor at the Yale School of Medicine, the director of the behavioral sleep program at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, and a fellow of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.

WHAT WILL WE LEARN

Sleep problems look different between adults and children.

  • Adults: accumulated unhelpful sleep habits that get in the way of a good night of sleep.

  • Children: parents may do something at bedtime that make their sleep more challenging, without realizing it.

    • Problem 1: Parents often stay in the room with the children until they fall asleep, and help sooth their children into sleep.

    • Problem 2: Parents answer the requests after the lights are out. This could lead to a very long bedtime routine, sometimes up to hours.

    • When children get overly tired, they may get into a “hyperactive“ state and is more different to fall alseep.

What parents can do?

  • Encourage children to learn how to soothe themselves.

  • Learn how to put an end to the bedtime routine and children’s last minute requests.

How to align two parents who disagree with each other on sleep coaching?

How to get over with the barriers and become more assertive and consistent with boundary setting with your children?

  • Parents, have you had problems with setting day time boundaries such as setting up car seat?

  • At night, if necessary, you don’t have to Be present

Parents, please remember: “You CAN become your child’s sleep coach, and you will be great!“

RESOURCES

Dr. Schneeberg’s website: https://drschneeberg.com/

Dr. Schneeberg’s book: “Become your child’s sleep coach“, for children age 3 to 10.

Thank You for Listening!

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Transcript (Episode 019)

Unknown Speaker  0:01  

Welcome to deep into sleep. This is Asian. So last week, we had Dr. Schneeberger from Yale University to share with us how to become your children's sleep coach, especially for children between age three and age 10. She shared a lot of good tips and you can find that information on our website deep into sleep.com slash episode slash 018. Today, I continue the conversation with her and she shared more about how to problem solving in the process of coaching your children, for example, what would you do if you and your husband or wife are not aligned in terms of what to do to help your children to sleep better. Also, for example, if you're trying to use the coaching strategy Jeez to help your children sleep better, but they refuse, collaborate, and you have to give in because you want a peaceful night back. You stuck, then what can you do differently? carrying all these questions? Let's listen to what Dr. snipper going to share with us. Welcome back, Dr. shainberg. When you coach children between age three and 10 years old to sleep better, how long does this kind of training program take normally,

Unknown Speaker  1:34  

really a few weeks is plenty to see a lot of progress.

Unknown Speaker  1:40  

That's fast.

Unknown Speaker  1:42  

Yeah, and you might, you know, it might be

Unknown Speaker  1:47  

a few weeks, it might be a couple of weeks. It just depends on how used to having a parent nearby the child was how old the child is. Whether the child likes to read, you know, those There are a lot of things that make it go faster or slower that everyone can get there.

Unknown Speaker  2:05  

Yeah, oh, that's great to know, once you keep on trying be consistent, you will get there. And it may not take that that long. It's not like you have to take months or years to really make it happen. Because think about how long those families just keep those parents has suffered or dealt with this kind of difficulties, possibly for four years.

Unknown Speaker  2:28  

Yes, exactly. You know, you can't turn it around in just three or four nights, right? It has been a long period in the making. And so it takes a little time to kind of unwind it.

Unknown Speaker  2:42  

Yeah, I'm curious. Have you ever seen any parents, you know, it actually does not work for them, or they did something just fall out of this discipline?

Unknown Speaker  2:55  

Yeah, so the the two most common problems that I see would be a parent I'm sorry, a couple where the mom feels one way and the dad feels another. So it's important that everyone is taking the same approach. So if the mom is doing some sleep training, which is what we call this, and then the dad comes home, and you know, a couple nights in a row sort of undoes the training, that can be a problem

Unknown Speaker  3:22  

to make it difficult to work, right?

Unknown Speaker  3:24  

Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  3:26  

And the other one is when a parent gives in after a period of protest, and says, Oh, my gosh, I know you want me to lay down in your bed, but you need to read your book. And then let's say an hour goes by and the child is really protesting. If the parent just says, Oh, I need to go to sleep, so I'm going to lie down, then you know very well again, as a psychologist, then you've sort of done this thing where you've trained a child to protest for an hour before they get what they want. And then you built a behavior that you really don't don't want

Unknown Speaker  4:02  

Yeah, those are good things for parents to be aware of how do you deal with it when you know, both parents, the dad and the mom are at different page? Is there a good way to align them?

Unknown Speaker  4:15  

Yes, sometimes what I'll do, let's say it's the father who doesn't want to follow through with the plan. Sometimes that's because the mother came to the meeting with me and the father didn't come. And so sometimes I'll get permission to call the father and I'll say, hey, let me explain to you the concepts and why I think it's important for your child to learn how to be an independent sleeper, and I'll appeal to the father's goals for the child. So I'll say, you know, it would be much harder for bill to say the little child's name is Bill. It would be much harder for bill to go to scout camp, or for you and your wife to go away together for a weekend or for Bill to go to a sleepover party, it'll be much harder for him to do those things as he gets older, if he needs a parent to lie with him at night. And if I can talk to the father about the concepts and the reasons why it's so good for bill to learn how to do those things, then the father usually will be on board.

Unknown Speaker  5:23  

So, so explain the rationale Really? resident? Yes, the father.

Unknown Speaker  5:29  

And the advantages to the child, you know, in terms of their independence, their maturity, you know, the fact that their their world gets a little bit bigger when they can put themselves to sleep. They can do things that other kids are doing.

Unknown Speaker  5:44  

Hmm, yeah, that's all the parents want for their day. Yes. Great. Great point. Yeah. So for those parents who gave me in, right, I would imagine I definitely met parents like that before. I treated for other problems. So I'm wondering what you do is with them, they just cannot stand the child to feel sad or unhappy.

Unknown Speaker  6:14  

Right? So what I do two things I say, first of all, you don't have to leave the room, right? You can be right there sitting in a chair. But you just can't go backwards. You just can't go get into the bed with them again. And your job is to be really sort of silence that present. And then I remind them that most of the time, I'm sure they don't have any issues with setting limits in the daytime. So I'll say to them, if your child didn't want to ride in the car seat anymore, what would you say? And they'll say, Oh, my gosh, I would always make them ride in a car seat. And I'll say, Does your child will protest getting in the car seat? And they'll say, Oh, yeah, sometimes she'll just yell her head off. And I'll say, well then do you not want Get in the car seat and they say no, of course I always make her get the car seat. So I say, that's an example of in the daytime, you're very willing to set firm limits, and you would not let protesting or crying. change your mind. And I encourage them to be, you know, have that same approach to bed time. Wow.

Unknown Speaker  7:21  

Yeah, I like that analogy. That totally makes sense,

Unknown Speaker  7:26  

huh? Yeah, the car seats a great one because no one changes their mind about a car seat. Yeah, it's a safety issue. Uh huh. Yep. So I just I remind them that learning how to fall asleep independently is a wonderful skill and their, you know, their child is probably falling asleep in a beautiful home with parents who love her. You know, and this is not really a big trauma. It's just a protest behavior, which children do all the time.

Unknown Speaker  7:57  

Yeah, when things not go their way Don't get what you want.

Unknown Speaker  8:02  

Yes. And we don't hand over lots of candy bars in the grocery store, right? We say no, we're not going to have a candy bar in the grocery store. So parents are really good at setting limits in the day. And I just encourage them to do the same thing around bedtime.

Unknown Speaker  8:15  

Right? What do you think, make it difficult for parents to set limits around sleep at night time, the same way as what they do during the daytime for all the other behaviors that they don't prioritize sleep or they're tired or like any thoughts about it?

Unknown Speaker  8:35  

Yeah, that's a great question. I think sometimes they're really tired and it is sort of comfortable to lay down in a bed and a lot of parents just fall asleep when their child does, right. But most parents say they really wish they wouldn't do that. You know, they usually say I wish I would not do that and get back up and do a few things that I want to do and then go to bed in my own bed. So that's one reason that happens and the other reason I think is that people want to have a really sweet and peaceful bedtime. They don't want bedtime to be a period of protesting and crying that's hard for parent. And I was encouraged them to know that they're going to get to a bedtime, you know, a few weeks down the road that's really peaceful and comfortable and happy for everyone involved. But it's just a little bit of a journey to get there.

Unknown Speaker  9:25  

Right. Short term pain, long term gain.

Unknown Speaker  9:29  

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Unknown Speaker  9:33  

Well, that's awesome. I know your book is out. Have you received any feedback from parents how after they use the book, what was that look like?

Unknown Speaker  9:46  

Yeah, I have I've had a lot of parents tell me that they really felt that I was sort of taking them by the hand, you know, through the process. And I wrote it to be sort of a workbook, really. And so I I love it that you liked the list and the checklist and the worksheets and all that because that's really what I really truly the title of the book was my goal become your child's sleep coach. And so I was really trying to help people, step by step learn how to coach their children to be just wonderful sleepers.

Unknown Speaker  10:18  

Yes. When I read your book, I feel like that's exactly what you described on the title. To help parents reading the book, they become a coach. They don't only know what to do exactly set step by step, but they also know the reasons behind it. Why is important? What kind of their behaviors right are leading to are impacting the children's sleep related behaviors? That's awesome.

Unknown Speaker  10:48  

Exactly, exactly. Yeah. Thank you.

Unknown Speaker  10:51  

Yeah, I really look forward to your book to be translated in more languages. I think we all need this.

Unknown Speaker  11:01  

Thank you so much. I hope that happens. That would be great. I would love that.

Unknown Speaker  11:05  

Yeah, I'm wondering whether children sleep problem, you know, in different countries look actually similar?

Unknown Speaker  11:14  

That's That's such a great question. I've studied that, you know, and every culture has its own issues. I'm no expert by any means. But there's a different age in almost every culture when they expect the child to become an independent sleeper. And it really widely varies. So I think it's always a personal choice in a family choice and a cultural choice. But I hope that my book when the parent is ready, I hope that my book helps that journey to be a little bit easier.

Unknown Speaker  11:48  

Oh, I like that. I like the idea that actually in different culture or differently, even family, little family culture, the children or the parents are ready at the different age different time that they can really still learn all this knowledge and skills and go with their own pace.

Unknown Speaker  12:10  

Yes, at their own time. That's exactly right.

Unknown Speaker  12:14  

Great. So, we are reaching to an end. Is there anything else you want to say to all the parents who are listening?

Unknown Speaker  12:26  

You know, this is how I always end if I give a talk, I always end by saying you can become your child's sleep coach and you will be great.

Unknown Speaker  12:35  

Wow, very inspiring. A lot of hope.

Unknown Speaker  12:41  

It's very doable. It absolutely is.

Unknown Speaker  12:44  

Oh, yeah. Awesome. Because you have so much experience. You see so many families, parents. I think that's very convincing. When you tell people you absolutely can do it.

Unknown Speaker  12:56  

Yeah, they can.

Unknown Speaker  12:58  

Wonderful tips. neighbor has shared with us. If you want to find more of the information and her knowledge about how to coach your child to sleep better, you can read her book, become your child's sleep coach, and that you can find the link on our show notes at deep into sleep.co slash episode slash 018. Hope you all are taking some time and space for yourself and take good care of yourself in this cold winter. And Happy Lunar New Year to you all. I will see you next week.

Unknown Speaker  13:39  

Sleep is an individual thing. We all sleep differently, and there are so much we can do to improve sleep quality. Keep hope and carry on. This podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not include the practice of medicine or other health professional services. The usage of the information we share is that the listeners only risk and our content does not intend to be a substitute for any medical and professional services, diagnosis and treatment. please seek professional health services as needed.


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Dr. Yishan Xuchildren sleep, insomnia, bedtime routine, parent, sleep coach, children sleep habit, Become your child's sleep coach, age 3 to 102 Comments